The Changeling's Lament by shira lipkin

i LOVE this poem SO MUCH with all of my feelings.

The Changeling’s Lament by shira lipkin

I have studied so hard
to pass as one of you.
I’ve spent a lifetime on it.

I have tells.
Blisters, tremors, bruises,
all the signs that I was not meant for your world,
was not meant to be contained
in your clothes,
your shoes.
I have this terribly inconvenient allergy
to cold iron.
Hives, really.
I stand out.

When I was little,
I asked my alleged mother,
what’s a girl?

She said
you’re a girl,
and she laced me into dresses
(that I tore off in the school parking lot,
in line for the bus).
Laced me into ballet shoes
that left blisters
and bloodied my feet
until I had calluses.
Which she had filed off,
beauticians pinning me down,
because it’s not beauty
if you don’t bleed.

My dancing was different.
My dancing was swaying treelike,
or launching myself across the room,
spinning madly,
but that is not what girls do,
not human girls,
not ladylike,
not contained.

And everything
is about containment
is about being delicate
and pretty
laced into corsets
whalebone stays digging into your ribs
because it’s not beauty
if it doesn’t hurt.

But I studied.
I pretended.
I hid the bruises
and the tics.
I hid the big dark parts of me.
I tamed my hair.
I watched my mouth.
I hid my magic.
I did not speak of such things
because we do not speak of such things –
not anger,
not homesickness,
not longing.
Not this sense
that I don’t know what the hell
a human girl is
and I can tell, I can,
that everyone knows I don’t belong here.
I laugh too loud;
I am too fast or slow to laugh.
I am an anthropologist in the field of girl.
I study
but none of it
ever comes

None of it is in my nature.

I am something larger,
more fluid,
less constrained.
But I am stranded in this place.
I have had to learn how to live here.
I have tried.
So hard.

dance like yr fighting

I haven't been updating on here as much lately. I've sorta switched to using Tumblr more as an actual journal. You can follow me if you're on Tumblr, but even if you aren't, you can still read it because it's public. Here's the URL: dancelikeyrfighting.tumblr.com

phone consultation with Dr. Garramone; set a date for top surgery :D

Had my phone consultation with Dr. Garramone and set a date for top surgery. He is thorough, competent, very nice and rightfully confident. I’ve set a date for my top surgery (January 31, 2013) but I have to get medical clearance from my cardiologist and Dr. Garramone’s anasthesiologist before I can officially schedule it. I’m nervous because he explained that if I have pulmonary stenosis and/or something else up with my heart then I either won’t be cleared for surgery until after that’s fixed (via minimally-invasive surgery), or I’ll just have to have surgery done in the main part of the hospital with a cardiac anasthesiologist present and it’ll be more expensive, and he’s trying to keep cost in mind but if I have to have it done in the main hospital than that’s what we’ll do because he’s not going to risk anything. I was thoroughly impressed with him. Now I’m chock full of adrenaline and shaky and overwhelmed because I had too much caffeine and too little food, waited 6 1/2 hours to talk with him, and this surgery is closer and more real than ever for me and I can’t even think about that being taken away.

Bonus points: He was about the nicest of any doctor I’ve talked to when I told him that I stopped taking T and (part of the reason) why. No judgment or questioning whatsoever. I didn’t mention being specifically a genderqueer transguy (although I seriously doubt that’d be an issue for him) and that that was one factor in my decision to stop taking T, just that T messed with my emotional well-being so I’m taking a break, which is true. Too many people who deal with trans* folks are really binarist (including a lot of trans people), and it just wasn't something I wanted to risk - but I'm not at all ashamed of being non-binary, I just didn't want to risk there being any obstacles that I could easily avoid until I know for certain that he's cool with non-binary peeps, because my experience of being trans and my relationship with my body follows the dominant narrative incredibly closely except that I've never really stuck to just solely being into stereotypically male/masculine things.

Anyway, yeah, highly impressed. I am so fucking excited. I feel like I’ve been running a race my whole life and I’m almost at the finish line.

updated new blog

Updated my new (re)transition journal, elfsparkles a bunch, if anyone wants to read that. All the entries are public and I will probably keep it a mostly public journal except for pictures I might post later on.

Writer's Block: Doppelganger Week

Who is your look-alike?

hmmmm... i don't know if i have one... other than a drawing on the cover of a zine i have called Mix'd kinda looks like me. actually, this girl i used to be best friends with in elementary school for a while, McKenzie, looked a good bit like me - enough so that our white first grade teacher kept calling us each other's names (we're both mixed black & white, though i'm also part Cherokee and possible Powhatan and i dunno if she is, and i am probably also part Spanish on my dad's side, which i just recently found out because apparently my grandpa's ancestors were Sephardic Jews, at least partly?), although i don't think she has freckles, and my hair is darker than hers. so basically, certain mixed folks I look somewhat like, especially if they have freckles.